You Know The Difference Between You And Me? I Make This Look Good.

Time flies when you're having fun.  Or when you're busy.  Or when you're blacked out.  The point is, there's every reason to think that the next time you wake up it will be December 14.  If that happens, I feel pretty safe knowing exactly what I'll be wearing to the yankee swap.  Do you?

Hopefully you're inspired to consider what kind of fashion statement you'll be making.  Planning an outfit for a yankee swap is a tricky endeavor, fraught with pitfalls that have the potential to ruin your reputation.  You don't want to be "That Guy" that shows up in blue jeans any less than you want to be "That Ho" that shows up in Carhartt overalls and a Starter jacket.  The yankee swap is a semi-formal affair, and all wardrobe considerations should be made accordingly.  A list of fashion do's and don'ts, for your contemplation:

DO: Wear the kind of underwear your parents would be ashamed to know you own.  Yankee swaps don't happen every day, they're a once a year event.  If you're not willing to break out that G-string-thong-crotchless-sheer-lace-nonexistent-bikini on the 14th, what are you waiting for, the people from Girls Gone Wild to call you back?  Remember, less is more, don't sell yourself short by covering up your privates.

DON'T: Forget to put deodorant on.  Some studies report that over 50 percent of human communication is non verbal.  Often times my sad excuses for conversation with members of the opposite sex amount to little more than strings of short grunts and monosyllabic words.  Luckily, I have my scent to speak for me.  With current estimates for the yankee swap ranging from 50 to 250 participants, who knows how close you'll end up standing to that special someone.  And if you smell great, chances are good it will take little more than some eye contact, a quick inhale to make sure they're smelling appropriately as well, and a confident nod to all but guarantee they'll be waking up next to you.

DO: Find footwear that properly compliments the rest of your outfit.  If there's one sure fire way to get a bad present, sleep alone and then end up in a fender-bender the next morning, it's boots that don't match the rest of your ensemble.  If you're wearing blue, find some azure accented shoes.  If yellow's your theme, let's see some canary colored kicks.  Your parents chose between black and brown.  Welcome to 2007.  Let's see some style.

DON'T: Wear a blazer.  What are you trying to do?  Make all the other guys who didn't wear one look like chumps?  This kind of fashion one-upsmanship is complete bullshit.  You should only wear a sports jacket if you know for a fact that everyone else at the party is also going to be wearing one.  And I officially will not be wearing one.  So if you are, you're going to make me look like a hoser.  Fuck yourself.

DO: Go as low as you can go on the neckline.  Boobs, it seems, are back.  The more you can show, the farther you're probably going to get in life.  When I look around the room deciding who I want to trade my recently opened plastic bag full of Swisher Sweets to, all signs point to me giving it to that prude in the turtle neck.  If guys had bosoms they'd swing them around like they were hoola-hoops.  You ladies out there should too.

DON'T: Be afraid to wear a novelty tie.  If you haven't been able to wear that tie with all of the little marijuana leaves on it since your brother got it for you at Spencer Gifts, make it happen cap'n.  The yankee swap is the place to make your statement.  "Yes, those are little hammers and sickles on my tie.  No, I'm not a commie, but do you mind sharing your phone number with me?"

DO: Wear something that's easy to remove in a hurry.  Between the fireplace, schedule 1 drugs and Parliament Lights, there's sure to be combustion coming at you from every direction.  Who knows how you could get lit on fire.  Do yourself a favor.  When you look into your closet, ask yourself, "If I'm locked in the bathroom with someone with 5 minutes to get to third base and back before people start getting suspicious, should I really be wearing these button fly slacks with the the velcro-covered-zippers down the sides?"  You're going to want to be able to move freely at the yankee swap, maintaining a wide range of motion for unwrapping presents efficiently.  Again, less is often better.

DON'T: Fuck up.  Or at least that's what I repeat in my head over and over at most social gatherings.