Celebrity Swap Gifts: Whatevah, I Do What I Want.

I've just spent most of the morning on the phone with Britney Spear's agent, trying to get a sit down interview with the mercurial star, only to find out that her PR agency has dropped her from their client list.  Wait.  Oh yeah, that was all a day dream.  I was actually on the phone with our local refrigerator repair man, trying to schedule a maintenance appointment.  Life in the fast lane huh?   Still though, the mere thought of that experience inspired me to consider the question of what Miss Spears would bring if she accepts our invitation to the yankee swap this year.  Unfortunately, that train of thought didn't bring me anywhere particularly exciting.  I mean, it's pretty obvious right?  Cocaine, right?  I mean what else would she bring?  I'm drawing a blank.  But then I realized what would really make for an entertaining romp through fantasy land: combining two of my favorite things.  Yankee swap + Laguna Beach = Glamourous Fun.

Jason: You have to know Jason is the kind of fellow that could give a fuck about his gift.  Jason's made a living on the bad boy image.  Why give a gift that might taint that appearance?  At the same time, Jason's gift has to have a subtle hint of humanity, something that can tell the receiver that he really didn't try at all, but if they're willing to give him time, he might come through for them next year.  Especially if they sleep with him on camera in the mean time.  What to expect if you open Jason's package: Handcuffs, Tickets to a dirt bike race, Dirty Needles

Kristen: Again, prepare to be disappointed.  Kristen is way too hot to give you something worth a damn.  Consider the following scenario: Kristen wraps a coffee mug filled with human excrement to put under the tree.  Now, one of two things can happen.  A young lady might unwrap it, in which case Kristen has just established dominance over this poor girl.  "Im way hotter than you," she's saying, "Enjoy this cup of shit while you think about that."  Of course, there's an equal chance a young man might unwrap her gift, at which point he really has to think to himself, "Whoa, Kristen's poop!  She's so hot."  Win-win for the aspiring Hollywood starlet.  What to expect if you open Kristen's package: Used movie ticket stubs, Random swag from the Maxim VMA after party, Autographed glamour shots of Kristen

Stephen: Here's where you'll probably be pleasantly surprised.  While extremely aloof, Stephen's cool exterior hides his extreme shortage of social grace and all around lack of confidence.  Stephen's the kind of guy who will probably bring something really great only to trade for Kristen's cup of feces.  Expect a gift of the surfer-skater variety, but don't be surprised to open something that screams "I cry myself to sleep every night."  What to expect if you open Stephen's package: Heartfelt sighs of unrequited love, Surf board wax, Used movie ticket stubs from his first date with Kristen

LC: Consider yourself lucky to open something from Lauren Conrad.  While anyone and everyone willing to swallow a few sips of Patron can consider themselves familiar with the insides of her thighs, only the privileged few get yankee swap gifts from this celebrity princess.  We all know what LC's house looks like.  We all know she was doing pretty well for herself even before she built her reality empire into the dominating force it is today.  At this point, she's playing with the house's money.  Lauren's gifts mean business and so does she.  LC knows that she can't skimp on gifts or it's going to be all over US Weekly, so if you happen to catch a glimpse of her placing her package below the tree make sure to make a mental note so you'll remember where to head when your number comes up.  Dollar limit be damned, LC has the cash, why not spend it to avoid the headache?  What to expect if you open LC's package: Bling, Bling, Desperation

Lo: Just opening a gift from everyone's favorite cutie pie sidekick is a success.  She's sweet, pretty and your best bet out of this crew to avoid the Clap.  Lo's practical.  She won't break the bank on you, but she's also relatively down to earth, meaning she won't be giving out her old court summonses or fecal matter.  If you get something from Lo, just smile, offer a graceful thanks and sit back down.  If you're normal about it, she'll come to you.  What to expect if you open Lo's package: Crate & Barrel glasses, Wine, Day Spa gift certificates

Jessica: The epitome of self loathing, masochistic behavior, Jessica is more likely to package herself naked into a large cardboard box than to actually get a real gift.  Imagine her popping out, clad only in a bra and underwear, smoking a cigarette as she roughly hisses, "Alright, do you want to punch me in the face and then fuck me, or should we change it up this time?"  Whatever she gives, Jessica's gifts all must involve a mechanism by which she could attain something beyond her means; a guy that's too hot for her, publicity she doesn't deserve, or clothing her body can't pull off.  Be afraid.  What to expect if you open Jessica's package: Condoms that have been covertly punctured with a needle, Jeff Foxworthy standup routine cassette tapes, Size 4 clothing she bought while high on Oxycontin

Hopefully this exercise has been as fun for you as it has been for me.  Tune in next week (or later today, depends on whether or not this fridge guy calls me back) as I tackle the cast of Laguna's bastard child Newport Harbor.