A Modest Proposal... Psych!

Yankee swap, in its most pure form, is a means of exchanging gifts and celebrating the winter season in a secular manner.  Catholic or protestant, Jewish or Kwanzan, Kiwi or Cro-Asian; it matters not.  People of all races and religions can find a common ground at yankee swap, regardless of which God's birthday they happen to celebrate (or which God's wrath they're aiming to avoid).  I've always found the minimalist approach of the yankee swap to be rather inspiring.  Most religious celebrations are fraught with rules and regulations.  You have to buy presents for everyone you know, go to a church or a synagogue or a mosque, not to mention the human sacrifices and all the cow blood you inevitably have to drink.  Not yankee swap.  A single present with a spending limit, semi formal attire and the feeling that you're defined not by some symbol of religious denomination, but by the fact that you're human and a part of an accepting niche in society.  Pardon, I'm already starting to mist up.   The point is this: yankee swap is about camaraderie.  It's about sharing time with your friends.  It's about celebrating the season.  It's about good drinks, fun presents, and cute looking co-eds.  And it's sure as shit about the food.

That brings us to the topic of this post.  At yankee swap 2005, the menu was rather modest, as the guest list and budget wasn't especially conducive to the kind of spread that yankee swap 2006 boasted.  This year the menu is still in its infancy.  Crowd favorites, such as the bacon wrapped water chestnuts and Tostitos brand corn chips with salsa will almost certainly make repeat appearances.  Other items, such as the sesame chicken skewers and shrimp cocktail, have yet to have their fate determined.  Rest assured we will not be serving children.  Hopefully this blog can provide ample opportunity for you, the reader and hopefully participant in yankee swap 2007, to participate in the birth of the menu.  We ask you to please use the comments section to suggest menu items.

Celebrity Swap Gifts: Whatevah, I Do What I Want.

I've just spent most of the morning on the phone with Britney Spear's agent, trying to get a sit down interview with the mercurial star, only to find out that her PR agency has dropped her from their client list.  Wait.  Oh yeah, that was all a day dream.  I was actually on the phone with our local refrigerator repair man, trying to schedule a maintenance appointment.  Life in the fast lane huh?   Still though, the mere thought of that experience inspired me to consider the question of what Miss Spears would bring if she accepts our invitation to the yankee swap this year.  Unfortunately, that train of thought didn't bring me anywhere particularly exciting.  I mean, it's pretty obvious right?  Cocaine, right?  I mean what else would she bring?  I'm drawing a blank.  But then I realized what would really make for an entertaining romp through fantasy land: combining two of my favorite things.  Yankee swap + Laguna Beach = Glamourous Fun.

Jason: You have to know Jason is the kind of fellow that could give a fuck about his gift.  Jason's made a living on the bad boy image.  Why give a gift that might taint that appearance?  At the same time, Jason's gift has to have a subtle hint of humanity, something that can tell the receiver that he really didn't try at all, but if they're willing to give him time, he might come through for them next year.  Especially if they sleep with him on camera in the mean time.  What to expect if you open Jason's package: Handcuffs, Tickets to a dirt bike race, Dirty Needles

Kristen: Again, prepare to be disappointed.  Kristen is way too hot to give you something worth a damn.  Consider the following scenario: Kristen wraps a coffee mug filled with human excrement to put under the tree.  Now, one of two things can happen.  A young lady might unwrap it, in which case Kristen has just established dominance over this poor girl.  "Im way hotter than you," she's saying, "Enjoy this cup of shit while you think about that."  Of course, there's an equal chance a young man might unwrap her gift, at which point he really has to think to himself, "Whoa, Kristen's poop!  She's so hot."  Win-win for the aspiring Hollywood starlet.  What to expect if you open Kristen's package: Used movie ticket stubs, Random swag from the Maxim VMA after party, Autographed glamour shots of Kristen

Stephen: Here's where you'll probably be pleasantly surprised.  While extremely aloof, Stephen's cool exterior hides his extreme shortage of social grace and all around lack of confidence.  Stephen's the kind of guy who will probably bring something really great only to trade for Kristen's cup of feces.  Expect a gift of the surfer-skater variety, but don't be surprised to open something that screams "I cry myself to sleep every night."  What to expect if you open Stephen's package: Heartfelt sighs of unrequited love, Surf board wax, Used movie ticket stubs from his first date with Kristen

LC: Consider yourself lucky to open something from Lauren Conrad.  While anyone and everyone willing to swallow a few sips of Patron can consider themselves familiar with the insides of her thighs, only the privileged few get yankee swap gifts from this celebrity princess.  We all know what LC's house looks like.  We all know she was doing pretty well for herself even before she built her reality empire into the dominating force it is today.  At this point, she's playing with the house's money.  Lauren's gifts mean business and so does she.  LC knows that she can't skimp on gifts or it's going to be all over US Weekly, so if you happen to catch a glimpse of her placing her package below the tree make sure to make a mental note so you'll remember where to head when your number comes up.  Dollar limit be damned, LC has the cash, why not spend it to avoid the headache?  What to expect if you open LC's package: Bling, Bling, Desperation

Lo: Just opening a gift from everyone's favorite cutie pie sidekick is a success.  She's sweet, pretty and your best bet out of this crew to avoid the Clap.  Lo's practical.  She won't break the bank on you, but she's also relatively down to earth, meaning she won't be giving out her old court summonses or fecal matter.  If you get something from Lo, just smile, offer a graceful thanks and sit back down.  If you're normal about it, she'll come to you.  What to expect if you open Lo's package: Crate & Barrel glasses, Wine, Day Spa gift certificates

Jessica: The epitome of self loathing, masochistic behavior, Jessica is more likely to package herself naked into a large cardboard box than to actually get a real gift.  Imagine her popping out, clad only in a bra and underwear, smoking a cigarette as she roughly hisses, "Alright, do you want to punch me in the face and then fuck me, or should we change it up this time?"  Whatever she gives, Jessica's gifts all must involve a mechanism by which she could attain something beyond her means; a guy that's too hot for her, publicity she doesn't deserve, or clothing her body can't pull off.  Be afraid.  What to expect if you open Jessica's package: Condoms that have been covertly punctured with a needle, Jeff Foxworthy standup routine cassette tapes, Size 4 clothing she bought while high on Oxycontin

Hopefully this exercise has been as fun for you as it has been for me.  Tune in next week (or later today, depends on whether or not this fridge guy calls me back) as I tackle the cast of Laguna's bastard child Newport Harbor.  

Swap Spotlight: David Kitendaugh

Today's spotlight is meant to highlight the efforts of David James Kitendaugh, the man many argue is the father of the yankee swap.  David, well known for his aversion to the spotlight, declined to be interviewed for this article.  His modesty is in stark contrast to the veritable monster of a party that he has helped to create.  

One of Dave's main roles in the yankee swap is as head chef.  Dave is involved in all aspects of food preparation.  Most of the appetizers that are enjoyed by guests aren't just cooked by Dave, they're actually designed, purchased, prepared and served by Mr. Kitendaugh.  This author occasionally wakes up at night salivating only to realize that dreams of Dave's bacon wrapped water chestnuts have claimed another victim.  Dave was a contributing mind in the creation of last years chicken skewers, and his careful alchemy was behind the rum fortified egg nog.

Dave also dabbles as an interior designer and as such was a critical part of the decoration scheme employed in both yankee swap 2006 and 2005.  His promethean understanding of combustion allowed the real fire that raged last year, but he was also an integral part of the fire committee in 2005.  Dave helped spread the table clothes out in 2006 as well, demonstrating both grace and an eye for symmetry.  

When it comes to gift giving, few can measure up to monsieur Kitendaugh.  Perhaps endowed with the giving spirit by his birth parents, Dave's heart definitely suffers none of the congenital defects that are sure to plague true members of the Kitendaugh gene pool.  Dave's gift in 2005, a Twister Game set, is the kind of present most people dream of giving, inspiring both camaraderie between players and physical fitness.  His 2006 gift was above and beyond.  Dave gave a customized T-shirt with a picture of JC himself.  I personally tried the shirt on before he gave it and couldn't for the life of me wipe the smile off of my face.

David Kitendaugh is a yankee swap soldier.   He's a yankee swap commander.  He's a yankee swap God.  Without Dave, the yankee swap would be little more than a secret santa, something that gives me goose bumps just to think about.  Without him we would surely be wandering around in the dark.  If you see Dave at the yankee swap, don't thank him (though he deserves it).  Just make sure that you offer him a friendly smile as you open your present.  Without him, you'd probably be sitting at home.  Like a loser.  Like Brad.

Yankee Swap Secret Strategies Revealed!

That's right folks, all the strategies and tips the corporate fat cats out there don't want you to know.  If you're starting to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of picking out something fantastic for your gift at the yankee swap while still managing to stay within the parsimonious confines of the dollar limit, look no further.  While many of the powers that be are smugly grinning to themselves at the thought of you frantically navigating the chaos of some giant retail center in search of your gift, only to come up with something bland that will make their gifts look cooler, my mantra is predicated on the idea that helping you locate a present that you can be happy with, while decreasing the relative awesomeness of whatever I buy, will still make for a better yankee swap on a broader scale.  Basically I just wanted to let everyone out there in cyberspace know that Brad's planning on using Craigslist.org to find a gift by simply searching the "General Sale" category with an upper dollar limit of 20 dollars.  And he was upset when I copied him.  And I can't wait to hear what he thinks about the fact that I'm telling anyone and everyone about his plan.  Did I mention that Brad was the one who bought the Bruin's tickets last year?

Who Let This Ugly Bitch In The Party?

Sometimes the prospect of buying a cool yet practical, awesome yet functional, sweet yet pragmatic gift can be rather daunting, especially to the unexperienced.  With the advent of the information age, more and more people instinctively ask Google before they think to consult someone with the kind of veteran savvy required to make a decision of yankee swap magnitude.  That said, here's a good example of what not to do.  If anything you're considering buying for a yankee swap gift is on this retard's list, chances are good you need a lobotomy.  

You Know The Difference Between You And Me? I Make This Look Good.

Time flies when you're having fun.  Or when you're busy.  Or when you're blacked out.  The point is, there's every reason to think that the next time you wake up it will be December 14.  If that happens, I feel pretty safe knowing exactly what I'll be wearing to the yankee swap.  Do you?

Hopefully you're inspired to consider what kind of fashion statement you'll be making.  Planning an outfit for a yankee swap is a tricky endeavor, fraught with pitfalls that have the potential to ruin your reputation.  You don't want to be "That Guy" that shows up in blue jeans any less than you want to be "That Ho" that shows up in Carhartt overalls and a Starter jacket.  The yankee swap is a semi-formal affair, and all wardrobe considerations should be made accordingly.  A list of fashion do's and don'ts, for your contemplation:

DO: Wear the kind of underwear your parents would be ashamed to know you own.  Yankee swaps don't happen every day, they're a once a year event.  If you're not willing to break out that G-string-thong-crotchless-sheer-lace-nonexistent-bikini on the 14th, what are you waiting for, the people from Girls Gone Wild to call you back?  Remember, less is more, don't sell yourself short by covering up your privates.

DON'T: Forget to put deodorant on.  Some studies report that over 50 percent of human communication is non verbal.  Often times my sad excuses for conversation with members of the opposite sex amount to little more than strings of short grunts and monosyllabic words.  Luckily, I have my scent to speak for me.  With current estimates for the yankee swap ranging from 50 to 250 participants, who knows how close you'll end up standing to that special someone.  And if you smell great, chances are good it will take little more than some eye contact, a quick inhale to make sure they're smelling appropriately as well, and a confident nod to all but guarantee they'll be waking up next to you.

DO: Find footwear that properly compliments the rest of your outfit.  If there's one sure fire way to get a bad present, sleep alone and then end up in a fender-bender the next morning, it's boots that don't match the rest of your ensemble.  If you're wearing blue, find some azure accented shoes.  If yellow's your theme, let's see some canary colored kicks.  Your parents chose between black and brown.  Welcome to 2007.  Let's see some style.

DON'T: Wear a blazer.  What are you trying to do?  Make all the other guys who didn't wear one look like chumps?  This kind of fashion one-upsmanship is complete bullshit.  You should only wear a sports jacket if you know for a fact that everyone else at the party is also going to be wearing one.  And I officially will not be wearing one.  So if you are, you're going to make me look like a hoser.  Fuck yourself.

DO: Go as low as you can go on the neckline.  Boobs, it seems, are back.  The more you can show, the farther you're probably going to get in life.  When I look around the room deciding who I want to trade my recently opened plastic bag full of Swisher Sweets to, all signs point to me giving it to that prude in the turtle neck.  If guys had bosoms they'd swing them around like they were hoola-hoops.  You ladies out there should too.

DON'T: Be afraid to wear a novelty tie.  If you haven't been able to wear that tie with all of the little marijuana leaves on it since your brother got it for you at Spencer Gifts, make it happen cap'n.  The yankee swap is the place to make your statement.  "Yes, those are little hammers and sickles on my tie.  No, I'm not a commie, but do you mind sharing your phone number with me?"

DO: Wear something that's easy to remove in a hurry.  Between the fireplace, schedule 1 drugs and Parliament Lights, there's sure to be combustion coming at you from every direction.  Who knows how you could get lit on fire.  Do yourself a favor.  When you look into your closet, ask yourself, "If I'm locked in the bathroom with someone with 5 minutes to get to third base and back before people start getting suspicious, should I really be wearing these button fly slacks with the the velcro-covered-zippers down the sides?"  You're going to want to be able to move freely at the yankee swap, maintaining a wide range of motion for unwrapping presents efficiently.  Again, less is often better.

DON'T: Fuck up.  Or at least that's what I repeat in my head over and over at most social gatherings.  

Draft Gems and Busts

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Some Inspiration From The Scranton Branch

Coming Friday, December 14, 2007

That's right folks, make sure to mark your calendars.  What will you give?  What will you bring?  What will you wear?